Communication is the Key!

With all the violent outbreaks being blamed on gun control, mental health, religious interests, black lives matter, or other scapegoats, I believe that in our harried lifestyles because we’re so busy keeping up with the Joneses that we’ve lost the vital skill of communication.  When you think about the root of most problems, it’s usually something that can be solved with an open discussion. Granted, getting both parties to agree to an open discussion may ultimately be the downfall, but nonetheless, it’s important to note that the communication piece is really the culprit.

 

Look at the Black Lives Matter and the police brutality problem that has plagued our lives over the past few years.  We’re all struggling to see the issues from both perspectives.  Yes, there are a ridiculous number of young black men and boys who are murdered simply because they’re black. Yes, if they were white, they probably wouldn’t be profiled and live with constant fear that they may be the next victim.  And yes, a few white cops have killed innocent black men and boys.  And yes, police brutality stems from a few bad cops who keep working in a broken system.  

 

But, we can fix this system.  We need to communicate with our adversaries. Yup, not easy to do but here’s the conversation that needs to happen.  If you’re black (or whatever color you are), assume that cops (teachers, bank tellers, or anyone) don’t know you.  So be congenial.  Why?  It’s like paying it forward.  If you greet and interact with others with respect, there’s a really good chance they’ll do the same to you.  Don’t assume that they’re going to mistreat you because if you do, your vibe will make them put up their guard and your interaction will undoubtedly be negative. 

 

Let me give you an example.  I realize that I am not black, but I am Asian, and not everyone likes Asians, right?  One of my Asian colleagues told me that she’s tired of being treated like a second-class citizen when she goes to banks and stores.  I was so surprised by her comment that I inquired further.  I wanted to know just how she was mistreated and more about the circumstances around it because I didn’t feel the same way.  As she described her recent experience with a bank teller, it became clear to me what was happening.  She had already put up her guard and was ready for the teller to be confrontational. She created the energy that was off-putting to the teller.  So when she stepped up to the teller window, the teller reacted and responded to her negative energy by doing the same. 

 

When I told my colleague that I’ve never experienced prejudice here, she didn’t believe me.  We actually bank at the same bank and I have never been mistreated in 30 years!  So I stepped out of my comfort zone and told her why I believed she was having trouble, and recommended specific things for her to do to change this dynamic.  This wasn’t easy because she was so set in her ways and actually not wanting to believe that others weren’t prejudiced against her because she was Asian.  Once I got her to see that they were reacting to her negative predisposition, I started to see her come around.  First, I showed her that her natural relaxed expression looked like a frown.  Not good.  That would make anyone uneasy.  So I told her that she needs to smile – consciously smile – before interacting with anyone.  Next, she worked on saying something nice to open up a conversation that worked to everyone’s benefit. 

 

I know that there is a big difference between blacks and Asians in the eyes of law enforcement, and I’m not so naïve to think that a little smile and pleasantries will change the world.  But these tips have helped me and may help others.  

 

Now let’s look at the police brutality piece.  Cops have a really difficult and dangerous job.  Think about it.  They go into the worst neighborhoods, go out on calls without knowing what to expect, and they have to make split-second life threatening decisions.  When they make a mistake or a lapse in judgment, they’re scrutinized.  But we need them.  Right? Imagine a society without law enforcement?  But I recognize that we do have a problem.  There are a few bad cops who bring to their occupation their prejudice or power issues.  Undoubtedly, these cops need to be removed from their posts and prosecuted if they’ve broken laws.  All cops know who these weak links are – the ones who are in it to wield guns and drive fast cars – the ones whose personal baggage interferes with their ability to fulfill their jobs.  Cops should be able to communicate their concerns about fellow officers to minimize their department’s liability without repercussions of being a whistle blower.  The Chief of Police and higher ranking officers should investigate and counsel cops who might pose future risks.  Again, it comes down to communicating concerns BEFORE they become our next headline news. 

 

In addition to removing the bad cops from the beat, there are a couple of things police officers can do to minimize these terrible altercations.  First, they can shoot to disable and not to kill.  I realize that this is a very unpopular idea amongst cops because they need to protect themselves, and others, should the person start killing others. But hear me out – if an unidentified person (maybe even someone wearing a hoodie) is walking down the street, or even running, is it necessary to shoot 10, 15, or more bullets into his/her back?  Protection doesn’t seem to be an issue if they’re shooting at the person’s back, right? If it’s concern about them getting away, wouldn’t shooting them in the leg or abdomen stop them in their tracks? Of course there are definitely times when officers want to take out (kill) a perpetrator, and they should. Still not sure that more than one bullet needs to be fired.  

 

Second, when a police officer pulls over a driver in a vehicle, address them with respect, and a smile (okay, maybe I’m pushing it here).  Just like the recommendation I made for the people of color above, cops could also create better interactions if they demonstrated respectful.  I realize that they risk their lives every time they approach a vehicle – I wouldn’t want to do that!  The driver could be holding a gun or something worse.  But what if cops asked questions to improve communication and assessment? By learning more about the person in question, we might avoid unnecessary bloodshed and violence. 

 

It all comes down to communicating with others. Don’t assume everyone knows what you’re thinking or understands your situation.  Make the first move by smiling and being friendly; it’s certainly better than being antagonist or negative.  So let’s work together to improve communication and stop unnecessary violence.